Blog Poll: Marriage
By David Branker
Consider the following couples. They each have different characteristics particularly in the way they relate to each other.
Jane and John: the validating couple
- Great communicators
- Listen to each other with respect
- They have an ability to understand each other even if they don’t agree
- They say lots of “Mmm-Hmms” and “I sees”
- They mirror each others facial expressions during intense conversations
- Their arguments are more like conferences
- They negotiate compromises that work well for both
- They value “we-ness” over individual pursuits and goals
Bonnie & Clyde: the volatile couple
- They bicker a lot
- They compete against each other
- They show little interest in hearing each other’s point
- They are highly persuasive
- Winning is what it’s all about
- They say lots of “Yes you do” and “No I don’t” instead of “Mmm-Hmm” and “I see”
- They interrupt each other
- They are independent and consider themselves equals
- They believe strongly in honesty – even if it has to be brutal
- They make up as good as they fight – or sometimes even better!
Marisol y Miguel: the avoidant couple
- They are conflict minimizers
- They make light of differences instead of resolving them
- They conspire to dodge and hedge difficult issues
- Very little gets settled
- They have a very low degree of introspection
- They feel their bond is so strong that they can afford to overlook their disagreements
Which of these marriages do you think will make it? Which have the potential to keep their “till death do we part” vow?
Interested in your comments. Tune in later this week for the answer and don’t forget to send in your questions for the Relationship Q & A series beginning this weekend.
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12 Responses to “Blog Poll: Marriage”
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Okay, I believe that each one of these couples can make it and have the potential to make it “til death do we part”. As a matter of fact, I know they can with God! That is the only way! Every marriage needs Christ to be at the center. We need God in every situation and especially a marriage. In the couples above, they all seem to handle conflict differently. We can not just right off the marriage and say they will not make it because of the way they handle conflict.
John and Jane are doing a great job of communicating and have learned to resolve conflict well. The other two couples need to adopt some of the techniques of Jane and John. In order for these couples to make it is going to require some change though.
When we start to talk about change in marriage, the question is who needs to change? The truth is probably both need to change, but pray that God will show you what change He is requiring in you. We have all tried to change our spouses and it does not work. Allow God to work in your heart and change YOU. Learn to pray for your spouse, love unconditionally and forgive. You will be amazed at what God will do in a marriage.
So, I am not for sending any of these couples to divorce court, they just need to keep God first in their marriage and work on handling conflict the way God wants them to.
I don’t know if any will. Without vision people perish. The best chance of making are jane and john.
where do you even begin to find any of them when you are a single mom of a toddler…..I think if both are willing to make the commitment to make it work for the best of everyone you can make it through the “rough” times. Single parents are judged very harshly and there seems to be no chance of even trying to have a family even if it isn’t “Mommy,Daddy and Baby” there have to be mixed families that can make it…
I think that Jane and John stand the best chance at survival. Of course. The trick is that God does not intend for our marriages to merely survive. He intends for us to grow in our love for our spouse. Something that couple valued stood out to me and that was We-ness or us-ness. My wife and I learned through pre-marrital and experience that in placing that concept as our top priority that there is very little room for anything else to wedge itself between us. And as far as disagreements are concerned. We’ve learned that the points we disagree on are really pointless; They act as a wedge in the usness. So we try to focus and build our lives on the points we can agree on and just chunk the things that we can’t agree on.
The first model is based on compromise and lacking in passion and leadership, the based second on competition and lacking in sacrifice, the third based on fear(of conflict/confrontation) and lacking in courage.
I think if everyone were honest they could admit that they have personally experienced a thing or two from each example. Relationships are complex and communications styles are formed by our experiences, families of origin and have as many environmental factors (filters) as our recent hurricane seasons. I personally believe that at the end of the day the likelyhood of our marriages success solely resides in our committment to God and then to our spouse.
We all know there will be conflict, we will say the wrong things at the wrong times but having a heart submitted to God affords us the opportunity to experience unconditional love and grace from the Father and have the capacity to demonstrate the same to our spouse.
I think they all have the potential to make it or they could all not make it. We all have different communication styles and ways to resolve conflict. It doesn’t necessarily mean one is better than the other. The thing we don’t know about these couples is where God falls in their relationship. God would make all the difference in who makes it and who doesn’t.
All three types have a flaw. At times in a relationship we need to use a combination of the three. There are times when we need to agree, there are times when we need to listen and there are times as the spiritual leader we have to make the tough decision. The key to marriage is not about winning and losing it’s about aligning our marriage with God’s word so that it can teach us how to be the husbands that God desires.
Bonnie & Clyde: the volatile couple
will for sure take the gold home….
is this a trick question?
Interesting you bring this up Pastor
Last night in our mens group we were praying for marriages when God brought Hosea to my mind.
Until we love our spouse unconditionally regardless of how they treat us like Hosea did Gomer (and God does us) then all the rest is lipstick on a pig!
Consider another couple:
Marisol married to Clyde. Lasted 8 years but started falling apart right after the honeymoon. Clyde was devistated when Marisol asked for the divorce. Wanted to know why she would “break up their happy home”. The really strange thing is, they looked just like Jane and John when they were dating. John turned into Clyde right after the wedding. Jane changed into the safety of Marisol over time.